When I first met my husband, he owned a half set of pans, and two cookbooks. The first cookbook was called “Are You Hungry Tonight? Elvis Presley’s Favorite Recipes”. The second was called “Cook Your Way Into Her Pants!”
Cook Your Way Into Her Pants! With an exclamation point. I’m serious.
Amidst the gratuitous bikini shots of the female model, credited only as “Z” (who is kind of a Cleveland Brown, as my husband would say), the author, Ted Taylor, takes us through his time-tested “hottie-scoring” kitchen techniques, such as: Disguising heavy cream in a soy milk carton so she doesn’t know you are cooking her fattening food, Naming whatever sauce you are cooking after the girl in question, as in”this is baked chicken with Shannon sauce”, and, my personal favorite – A recipe for a smoothie that will improve the taste of the male ejaculate. I’m serious.
But I have to be fair. This is actually a fantastic little cookbook. In 65 short pages Ted demystifies roux and stock, simplifies souffles, unpretentiously suggests wine pairings, and seemingly pioneers the molecular gastronomy movement by teaching us how to make liquid nitrogen ice cream (in a book published in 1993!)
Ted, if you are out there, I have my own recipe to add to the “recipes that will get you laid” repertoire. Not only is it quick enough to whip up for a weeknight dinner and completely fattening, but your intended seductee will never know how easy it was to make, as they will be aglitter and aglow at the fact that you made them something as decadent as lobster. Yeah, lobster can do that to a person.
**Insert Name Here**’s Lobster Carbonara
one 2 – 2.5 pound cooked lobster, w/ meat removed from shell, chopped into generous bite-sized pieces
1/2 pound spaghetti
1 cup heavy cream
2 large eggs
3 ounces pancetta, roughly chopped (sub bacon if you can’t find pancetta)
1/2 small vidalia onion, diced
1/2 cup green peas
kosher salt & fresh ground pepper
If you really want to guarantee carnal success with this recipe, I’d recommend serving with a chilled bottle of champagne, and following with a dessert of chocolate fondue and berries. But that’s just me. My husband could be seduced with a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a box of strawberry Pop-Tarts.
In case any of you were wondering, my husband never once cooked for me when we started dating, so no, he did not resort to the guidance of the aforementioned cookbook. He did, however, take me out for lobster on more than one occasion.